Previously on “Spanking Samantha”:
Bill Parker knows he’d better get to Ginger before his furious wife does. The search is futile. Ginger has left work to wangle a solidarity pact with Heather; there will be hell to pay if her sister finds out about the Spanking Samantha story in the bar.
The story was a hoax! Ginger was just playing out her resentment toward her privileged older sibling. Heather agrees to cover for Ginger, but – since it’s really Ginger’s problem and Ginger thinks spankings are so amusing – Ginger must pay for her charade. What might have been a few taps on the tush turns into much more. Ginger’s whiny excuse pushes Heather’s hot button: gender politics. Heather – by now, it is Ms. Conway – brings Ginger to prolonged sobbing with a slotted kitchen spoon and a tongue-lashing. After consoling Ginger, Heather points to her lap. Ginger assumes the position without protest. When it’s over, Ginger goes home to clean up and talk to Samantha.
AUTHOR: Let’s meet our players. Ladies, thank you for joining me in the studio. Please tell us a little bit about yourselves and share your thoughts about how it’s going so far.
ELLIE: Well, it’s starting to get more interesting. I like the plot twists, and I really liked the part where Heather dragged Ginger into the kitchen and back.
HEATHER: Thank you.
ELLIE: I thought that scene in the bar back in Chapter 1 was just a little too cute.
MOLLY: Right! Did I really have to gulp my martini and gush about that waiter’s ass? I don’t think that added anything. And that remark about Samantha’s tush not being my type? Please! I mean, unless you’re trying to foreshadow a lesbian scene…
YOLANDA: Oh, no! I ain’t eatin’ no pussy!
MOLLY: …or it’s just gonna turn into a round robin of everybody spanking everybody else.
YOLANDA: And I ain’t gonna take a spanking either! No sir! I got my ass whupped plenty when I was a little girl, and I ain’t gettin’ it whupped again. You want me to talk about a spanking, or watch a spanking, or give a spanking, that’s fine. No pussy and no gettin’ hauled across some fool’s lap. And while we’re at it, let’s cut this Black English shit. I got a motherfuckin’ Master’s Degree.
MOLLY: You go! Making us up so you can work out your little erotic fantasies is one thing, but there’s no need to employ stereotyping just to avoid meaningful character development. Hey, we’ve already got Samantha and Bill as the uptight country club Republicans! And Heather can’t hold her liquor ’cause she’s Irish…
HEATHER: Actually, Rick’s Irish. I’m not.
MOLLY: Well, okay, but what’s next? Do I have to practically castrate some new boyfriend with nagging and guilt just because my name is Molly Roth and I’m Jewish? Get my panties yanked down ’cause I won’t shut up about the cleaning lady? Have some squicky holocaust domination fantasy? I mean, what does being Jewish or black or Irish have to do with anything anyway?
HEATHER: I’m not Irish. I’m a feminist, in a weird kind of way. Liberated, they used to call it.
MOLLY: Same thing. This is a spanking website, and the people reading it are interested in spankings and childhood baggage and power transfers.
ELLIE: And sex!
HEATHER: Right. Erotic spankings.
AUTHOR: Gotcha. No stereotypes. You’re absolutely right. The dialect thing was just a lapse. This is a live segment, and I don’t get to edit my thoughts. Just spanking! Anything else?
ELLIE: Well, I’d like a bigger part. I’ve only had one line so far.
HEATHER: Well, we can fix that. You wanna stop by my place afterwards?
GINGER: Yeah, I was a little bothered that those high school girls had to get a peek at my pussy when Heather was dragging me out to the living room.
YOLANDA: Mm-hmm. I thought so, too.
AUTHOR: Well, I understand that, but I wanted to touch on all the feelings of shame that so many people associate with spanking.
GINGER: Okay, but I already had to peel off my panties and display my rear end for a spanking. That’s humiliating! Not to mention having me bawl for five minutes when I realized Heather was right about me being pathetic.
HEATHER: Ginger, chill out. You were over my lap with your pants down. You don’t think I saw your pussy in all its glory?
GINGER: Oh, I’m sure you did. It’s just the peep show thing. I know you. I don’t know those teenagers.
HEATHER: Well, you don’t know our readers, either. Hundreds of people read these stories, and plenty of them got a good look at you.
AUTHOR: Okay, we have to watch the clock. Kim? We haven’t heard from you.
KIM: Well, you wanted us to introduce ourselves, so I’m Kim Dubois…
MOLLY: Excuse me, Kim. With a name like that, don’t you let him start making wine and cheese jokes, or having you “surrender” to Marcus…
YOLANDA: Yeah, or puns about “striking”. Molly, I think he gets it.
AUTHOR: Too late! French jokes! Go on, Kim.
KIM: Anyway, my family is from Haiti, not France, and my name is Kim Dubois. Well, it’s really Kimberly Dubois, but only my parents and Marcus – he’s my boyfriend – ever call me that, and it’s not what you think, it’s not “Kimberly Anne, you get in here this minute!”, like they’re angry. It’s like “Oh, Kimberly, we are so proud of you” or “Will you please marry me, Kimberly?”
ELLIE: Move it along, Kim. We don’t have time to puke and get cleaned up for the next scene.
YOLANDA: Hey, wait. I’ve got a question. When Marcus said maybe a spanking was just what you needed, did he call you “Kim” or “Kimberly”?
KIM: Yolanda! I told you that in private!
YOLANDA: Uh huh. Well, I don’t know how many syllables you’ve got, but they are ALL gettin’ spanked if you don’t stop buying shoes and clothes and – what are those things?
KIM: I collect Beanie Babies. Do you mind?
YOLANDA: Yeah, you want Beanie Babies or a wedding? Listen, I’ll tell the story or we’ll be here ’til Christmas. I dropped Kim at Marcus’s when we left the bar. Dumbfuck here tells Marcus the whole Spanking Samantha story…
GINGER: Oh, shit!
YOLANDA: …and he sees the new blouse and the new earrings and the new manicure, and – DUH!
MOLLY: I thought you promised to start pinching pennies for the wedding, Kim.
KIM: I’m not stupid!
YOLANDA: No, but you planted the seed, girl. DUH! It sprouted!
ELLIE: So, let me get this straight, Kim. Marcus threatened to spank you?
KIM: He doesn’t threaten. Marcus is a gentleman. Oh, okay… It was more like “Maybe Samantha’s not the only one who needs to learn a lesson.”
MOLLY: Ooo-ooh! Kim’s first spanking! Say, Heather, I think it’s okay for a very-first-spanking-ever to be just on the panties, don’t you?
HEATHER: Or a nightgown. And not too hard.
ELLIE: Or not too long. One or the other. Not too hard or not too long.
KIM: Stop teasing, you guys! So, anyway, I walked right out of there. I said, “Marcus Pelletier, I don’t have to listen to that kind of talk. I’m sorry about the manicure, but I have to dress for work, and there won’t be a wedding until you apologize. And he didn’t, so I left.”
HEATHER: Sounds like the panties are coming down after all…
YOLANDA: So then ditzhead goes home and tries spanking herself.
ELLIE: Oh, you’re kidding.
KIM: Well, just to see what it feels like…
YOLANDA: You believe that shit? 24 years old, and she’s lyin’ on the carpet, smackin’ her own butt, and lookin’ in the mirror to see what she’s doin’ wrong.
>MOLLY: Oh god! Whew! Whew! Who has a Kleenex? This is better than the other night!
KIM: Well… Stop! Come on! You heard what Ginger said about Samantha kicking and yelling and all. It’s scary!
YOLANDA: So Kim comes to me at coffee bre
KIM: Well, I know I’m the youngest one. I guess I’m a little naive about some things. I count on all of you for advice. Not sure I should, though.
AUTHOR: Ladies, thank you for the lively discussion. I hope you’ll come back soon, but we are out of time.
GINGER: Wait. Wait. Kim: Did you have your pants off when you were down there on the bedroom floor?
KIM: Well, first I tried it all dressed, and that didn’t feel like much. So then I – you know…
HEATHER: Oh, shit! Don’t tell me. So then you tried it on your panties…
KIM: My slip and my panties…
HEATHER: The slip and the panties, and then the panties, and then…
KIM: And then on the bare.
HEATHER: And that was it?
KIM: And then a hairbrush. (Gales of laughter.) That stung a little.
GINGER (after collecting herself): Kim, you ever try tickling yourself? It’s like spanking yourself. It doesn’t work.
AUTHOR: Ladies, thank you again. We’re out of time.
HEATHER: Hold on! What about “Ow ow stop ow”?
MOLLY: Yeah, the teaser at the end of the last episode. Next on Spanking Samantha: “Ow ow stop ow!”
AUTHOR: Volunteers? No one?
GINGER: I’m still sore.
HEATHER: So’s Samantha.
GINGER: Oh, shit! I’d better get in the shower! She’s coming over!
AUTHOR: And sometime, we all want to hear about the second part of that spanking in the living room, Heather.
HEATHER: Oh, just a good hard hand-spanking.
GINGER: It felt like more than that.
AUTHOR: Another time. So: NEXT time, on Spanking Samantha: “Ow ow stop ow!” Thank you, everyone.
GINGER: But not me, okay? Someone else!
(Dim lights. Roll credits.)