Snow White & the Seven Little Perverts or
What really happened while the Innocent slept
©2001 Kelly P
The popular myth has the faithful seven dwarves standing guard over the helpless form of Snow White as she slumbered. However, recently declassified Bulgarian documents strongly indicate these dwarves may not have been the harmless and comical lot foisted upon the public by their publicists. Instead, an alarming pattern of lewd and indecent behavior begins to surface.
We are asked to believe that this lovely young woman slept helplessly within reach of seven men who were old, ugly, or infirm of mind, body, and psyche. That these men were unlikely to get a crack at young flesh very often is undisputed, yet these men were portrayed as innocent. Why don’t we take a closer look at these “innocent” men:
(Any semblance these characters may have in common with the film released by “Big D” is purely Big D’s fault)
Sneezy, addicted to inhalants of many descriptions;
Doc, an expelled med-student. Rumored to be the source of the infamous “sleeping potion” used on poor little Snow,
Sleepy, an undiagnosed narcoleptic;
Grumpy, a meth-head on the “down” side;
Happy, the dealer of the group;
Dopey, ’nuff said; and finally;
Bashful, a recovering Catholic with low self-esteem.
Are we really to believe that seven such men with no prospects of a sexual liaison in the near future passed up this chance for at least a little harmless touchy-feelie? I think not.
Anyone who doubts the seriousness of this claim should take another look at that classic of film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. Can anyone who saw that film ever forget that tender moment when the above mentioned Dopey (remember him?) leaned over Snow White’s casket and kissed her forehead?
Kinky, but well-intentioned. However, the Handsome Prince arrives on the scene and kisses her apparently lifelessly body square on the lips! Can anyone here say necrophilia? What a vile and disgusting model to present to our children!
The above observations couldn’t really be made fairly without some consideration for the wicked stepmother. Nowhere in the story is there given any mention of Snow’s relationship with her parents, only the insane actions of the stepmother. Remember those “Mirror, Mirror” mantras?
Setting aside the possibility of a conspiracy between Mr. White and another woman to frame Mrs. White, we must consider that little Snow may have been such a problem child that when the parents went to the village Witch, she good-naturedly quipped “put her to sleep!”. Malpractice!
Admittedly, we may never know if these allegations are true or not, but we cannot ignore the bare facts of the case:
1- By all accounts, Snow was a real babe (explicit photographs available at www.White.Meat.com).
2- She was left helpless and asleep in a glass (see-through) coffin (allegedly supplied by Fredericks of Hollywood).
3- She was found by seven little dudes that cannot have “gotten lucky” in a long time.
4- She was coveted by and handled by said “guardians” while asleep . . . . . and helpless.
5- As was pointed out earlier, these “guardians” were old, infirm, and slowwitted. In other words, six were horny and one wasn’t quite sure.
6- Snow’s involvement in organized crime had been systematically hushed up. Authorities of the area are familiar with Snow’s involvement in prostitution since the age of thirteen, and her father’s alleged connection to BUG, the Bulgarian Secret Police.
7- The involvement of the BUG with England’s Secret Service, a particularly nasty connection which allegedly lead to Hitler’s rise to power.
8- Some very unsavory rumors of bestiality conducted by the dwarves with the unwilling assistance of the local livestock.
In less kindly words, they were pig-fuckers!
But enough speculations. Considering the above facts, it is important that a Special Committee be formed to investigate these matters. The name of the Reverend Farakand came up as a possible special persecutor, but it was determined he was far to liberal. Consideration was also given to James Earl Jones, simply because he has such a great voice.
Funding for the committee would be from the general fund, augmented by a tax on the timber industry. This is deemed appropriate since the dwarves were themselves lumberjacks on a small scale, and have already been associated with the disappearance of a number of horned owls, an endangered species.
Since it is well known that a committee is “an alley down which good ideas are lead and quietly strangled”, this Special Committee would answer jointly to the Vice President of the United States and the Third Assistant to the Assistant of the Undersecretary of Bulgaria. Such a division of power and responsibility would ensure that the committee’s report would receive the attention it so richly deserves.
Only through this course of action can we bring to a close such a sordid part of our literary past.
My next revelation : Why that picture of George Washington really wasn’t finished.